And now for something completely different

Everyone knows that Pruning and clipping is a vital part of the development of a good bonsai.

What follows are transcripts of the conversations with a proven expert by two enthusiasts. Only the lies are not true.

John Smith, a footballer, walks into his doctors surgery to be greeted with a “How are you feeling today, John?” smile. “Not good” he replies with a look of despair deeply embedded on his face.

“What seems to be the problem” enquires the Doctor. “Well says John, I can’t walk” “What?” Exclaims his Doctor. “That’s just not true John. Didn’t you just walk in here to speak with me and were you not playing football last night with the lads?”

“Yes” replies John “those things are true and you saw we walking into this room but my Brain keeps telling me that I can’t walk and it is telling me that I didn’t walk into this room today. The bottom line is that I don’t want to walk anymore.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that” responds the Doctor but it is very obvious to me that you can walk and I’m not sure what I can do to help you”

“ My brain tells me that you can arrange surgery to have my legs amputated. My brain tells me that I don’t have legs and I know that they are hindering me in discovering and asserting who and what I am. I am severely disabled and I know that it is my right to be disabled if my Brain says that I am. Everyone knows that it is not how I look or what I am physically able to do that determines what I am but it is what my brain tells me that counts. My brain is telling me that there are lots of advantages with having no legs. I will get an electric powered disability scooter. The state will give a motability vehicle and I will get a disability badge that will allow me to park wherever I want. My Brain tells me that people will also notice me more than they do today”

The Doctor thinks long and hard before responding and by this time he has serious concerns about John’s mental health. Eventually he says as authoritatively as he dare. “John, there is just no way that we in the medical profession could ever comply with such a request but I can refer you to a counsellor who can talk you through your problems and help you overcome these serious psychiatric issues that you are experiencing. I want you to understand that i am very concerned with you about how you feel but regrettable such life changing surgery is out of the question. You should understand that such a radical procedure is sure to result in greater mental health  issues in the future and just cannot be permitted” What the doctor did not say was that he was also horrified at the serious cost implications that such a procedure would place upon the national health service while many with life threatening conditions were being added daily to long waiting lists.  After all you just cant say things like that out  loud.

The Doctor also very reluctantly considered the possibility that this dear man might have to be sectioned if his mental health deteriorated significantly.

The next day Jan Smitz, a german bricklayer walks into his doctors surgery to be greeted with a “How are you feeling today, Jan?” smile. “Not good” he replies with a look of despair deeply embedded on his face.  “What seems to be the problem” enquires the Doctor. “Well says Jan, I have discovered that I am a woman” “What?” Exclaims his Doctor. “This is an issue that we must immediately address with great sympathy”

“When did you discover this” asks the Doctor. “I have been struggling with it for many years and am only now able to overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way and am now coming to terms with it. “ he says. “What obstacles” asks the Doctor patiently.

“Well for a start I have a penis and a scrotum. Furthermore before I came to see you I had some tests done that confirm that I definitely only have male chromosomes but my brain tells me I am a woman and everyone knows that it is not what is between your legs that determines whether you are male or female but what is between your ears. My wife is unsympathetic because she insists that I am a man as we have had an active sex life for very many years.  One other problem that I have had to overcome is that my three teenage children just don’t understand me. They keep insisting that I am a man but when I have a close shave and put on some makeup it should be clear to everyone that I am a woman. My Brain insists that i am a woman ”

“What do you want me to do for you Jan” enquires the Doctor

“Well for a start my brain tells me that you should stop calling me Jan and call me Janita. My brain wants  you to arrange gender reassignment surgery immediately and release me from this prison.”

The Doctor takes a deep breath and with a warm friendly smile replies “No problem Janita. When do you want them off?.  Don’t worry about the cost because the state will pay. By the way if your family and friends have a problem with your trans decision that’s just too bad and they will just have to deal with any mental health implications that may result as best they can. My brain tells me its all wrong but what does my brain know”

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